Family: The A-Z of Modern Motherhood (A Poem For New Mums)

A is for alcohol – remember that stuff?
You’re now a lightweight, so one glass is enough.

B is for birth plans that don’t manifest,
And ridiculous battles over bottle or breast.

C is for Calpol – you’ll raid all the shelves,
For teething and fevers and everything else.

D is for dignity, rapidly lost,
The first time the midwife said ‘bottom half off’.

E is for energy – mostly caffeine,
From own-brand tea to coffee bean.

F is for friends who rally around,
When your last scrap of sanity cannot be found.

G is for Googling every new rash –
Each one a potential hospital dash.

H is for homes – that’s Under The Hammer,
Daytime TV fills your media planner.

I is for iPhones that glow in the dark,
A bit of relief when you’re up with the lark.

J is for jumpers, knitted by nans,
And huge Jumperoos that free up your hands.

K is for kettle – it’s constantly on,
Yet somehow your drinks are always lukewarm.

L is for loneliness, silent it creeps,
When your one source of company can’t even speak.

M is for mums you meet on the way,
Some friends for life, some drift away.

N is for nappy rash, five-minute naps,
And huge nursing bras with big chunky straps.

O is for opening all of your post,
Wondering which bill will hurt the most.

P is for playdates with everyone round,
The toys all come out and you can’t see the ground.

Q is for questioning every last thing,
Maybe I should give NHS Direct a ring?

R is for rice cakes, raisins and rusks,
Annabel Karmel books gathering dust.

S is for showers that last sixty seconds,
After which point the little one beckons.

T is for tantrums, triumphs and tears,
Most of them saved for the toddler years.

U is for uterus and all of those words,
Last heard in a classroom back in the ‘burbs.

V is for victory the first time you know,
Where the bits on this bl**dy new car seat should go.

W is for weaning – purees and lumps,
Washing and drying (ironing’s for chumps).

X is for xylophone – you’ll have at least three,
Though nobody knows where the drumsticks could be.

Y is for yawning, a tiredness that hurts,
And yoghurts that end up all over your shirt.

Z is for zees – that’s sleep, you know,
Remember that feeling? Of course not, no.