Mum-runner
noun
1. a female who, keen to fit into a particular dress by summer, embarks on a run for the first time since producing children
OK – let’s do this. If everyone on Facebook can run, so can I. I totally look like a runner in this gear, anyway. I think I feel more fit already just wearing it. I might even start going for a run every night now. Or maybe I’ll start getting up an hour earlier and fit it in then, before breakfast. If I just walk fast up to the park to start with and sort of stretch as I go that should do it. Then I’ll just do a few laps. Maybe I should have had a protein shake before I left. What’s even in a protein shake? Chicken, maybe. Should have at least had a banana. Instead of those Party Rings. Maybe bananas are afterwards? Ooh – Britney. Haven’t heard this in a while. Gimme gimme mooore gimme mooore gimme gimme mooore. Oh crap – it’s the lady from a few doors up. How embarassing. Yes, hi, I’m just casually going for a run. I’m a runner. That was a weird wave, why did I just wave like the Queen? She probably thinks I’m a right weirdo now. I wonder what I look like – running – from behind. I need to record myself from the back. Or do it in the mirror. She’s probably thinking ‘oooh – she looks like a runner. I should probably start running, too, instead of faffing around with this hanging basket’. Why is there so much chewing gum on the pavement? There’s actually loads, once you notice it. Right that’s probably enough walking. I’ll run now. Relax shoulders. Is this too bouncy? I feel like I’m too bouncy. Everyone’s probably wondering why I’m so bouncy. Maybe I should jog on the spot until I can cross this road, like proper runners do. No, that’s weird – I’ll just stop and look at my phone for a bit. Should have planned my route. I’ll go that way – fewer people. My ears hurt. Gimme gimme mooore gimme mooore gimme gimme mooore. Oh no – a proper runner. She’s probably thinking I’m doing it all wrong. Look cool. Definitely too skinny. I bet she eats kale all day anyway. Did I get the mince out of the freezer? Probably have to be kievs. Pretty sure runners don’t eat kievs. I guess it’s chicken though – protein. Same as a protein shake. I’ll just not have so many chips. My sides hurt. I can’t stop because that man saw me run past back by the loos and he’ll think I’m pathetic. I think I’m going too fast. I’ll do more of a jog. So sad, that thing in the news, about the – oh! that’s the kind of dog I want! Cuuuute. Mind you, lots of hair. I’ll get one when the kids are both at school and I’m running my business from home and going out for a jog at 5am every morning. How long have I done now? 4 minutes?! Maybe because I was running so fast though, I’ve actually gone quite far. Maybe I’ll sign up for a 5k run when I get home as an incentive. Maybe next year I could do a marathon. Or maybe I’m just a natural sprinter, rather than long-distance. Doncha know that you’re toxic. Bit over Britney now. Why have I only got two songs? Oh, that’s the same man from by the loos – is he following me? It’s OK, he’s old – I could totally take him out. I’ll do that thing with the thumbs in the eye sockets. Seriously, why do my arms hurt? I bet I trip over just as I jog past. Don’t fall over. Don’t fall over. Am I breathing too loud? Now he’s probably looking at my wobbly bum. Oh good grief – I’ve got to run past the yobs. I’ll turn Britney up. They’re probably thinking, is she listening to Britney? I’ll turn her down. Did she just laugh at me? Whatever, kiddo. I used to be all young and lithe, too. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. I can’t stop now because I’ll look like an idiot. How the hell does everyone on Facebook do this? I just need to get past these trees and then I can hide. I hope nobody jumps out of the bushes. It’s actually quite dangerous, really. Maybe I should carry a rape alarm. Gimme gimme mooore gimme mooore gimme gimme mooore. What an ugly cat. Is it scabies or rabies? Phone check: 9 minutes! OK, but the first 4 minutes were basically sprinting. Too much stuff to carry – I think that’s what’s slowing me down. Maybe I should get a bumbag. Do Nike do cool bumbags? Fromage frais, toilet roll, bleach. Fromage frais, toilet roll, bleach. Mustn’t forget. 10 minutes – wohoo! OK, I can stop now. 10 minutes is a nice round number, and if I carry on I’ll have to do a whole other lap, so I may as well walk home as my cool-down. I can’t breathe. Oh my life, I’m so unfit. Scabies! Running always makes my teeth hurt, what’s that about? Gimme gimme mooore. Oh look – she’s just off for a jog, too. And she’s fatter than me. Is it weird to smile at other joggers? Maybe I need a Fitbit to monitor my heart rate. Is that even what they’re for? And these trainers are really hard to run in. Maybe I’ll get some new ones for proper runners. Although I might want to try out something else, like Zumba. My knees hurt. I think running is meant to be bad for your knees. Maybe I’ll try swimming. Quite like swimming. Can’t breathe. If only you could swim with earphones in. They should invent earphones for swimmers. Hello again lady, yes, I’ve been for a run. She’s probably thinking ‘that wasn’t a very long run’. I’ll go swimming next time – I could get a new costume. And maybe invent the waterproof earphones and take them on Dragons’ Den. 10 minutes is a lot though. Almost home – I should probably do some stretches in the front room. And have a nice bath, for my muscles. And drink some wine. For antioxidants. Yes, wine. In the bath. And stretches.
so it’s not just me then haha 🙂
Nope – definitely not just you Kimberly 🙂
I just came across your blog and this is hilarious and SO me! Great post x
Ah, thank you so much for reading, Natasha! Glad it’s not just me who does this 🙂 x
I started running a few months ago, it’s like you’re inside my head! Loved Loved loved loved loved this post. xxxx #fridayfrolics
Hahahaha, at least there are two slightly weird ladies running around the park then! Strength in numbers!! xx
This is hilarious!! And exactly what I do. I must admit I’m converted to running nowadays – amazing what 3 kids will do to make you get out the house for some peace, quiet and an internal monologue like this one! #Fridayfrolics
I’m waiting for my conversion to happen, Alison! So true about the peace and quiet though. Maybe I could just jog to the pub, on my own like?x
Oh, now you’re talking…I’ll join you!
Love this! I was never a runner but got into it about 7 years ago as prep for Race for Life. I was the same, I’d run round the blog and have bad acid in my mouth and resemble a beetroot. It does get easier and I ended up doing two 5k and a 10k race that summer. During the 10k I realised how boring running was and wondered how on earth people do marathons! I’m definitely more of a gym goer though now! #fridayfrolics
I’m so impressed Fran, I don’t know how anybody does a 5 or a 10k! Everyone says you hit a wall and then you get past it and suddenly running is amazing. I’ve hit a lot of walls, but so far I’m just a bit bruised… 😉 Thank you for reading x
Oh blimey. I think this is the first post of yours I’ve commented on but, um, I think you’re me. I used to run, pre-children. Went for my first real run again last weekend as we’re off on holiday soon. It was as you have written. Very funny and chicken kievs do count. Wine also makes you faster. GOOD LUCK in BiBs. See you at the MADs … BECAUSE WE’RE BOTH RUNNING (gettit? Sorry. Too much coffee.) 🙂 #FridayFrolics
Fancy a little jog around the MADs venue? I’m sure there’ll be plenty of wine, so we’ll be mega-fast… 😉 Thank you for reading, and I am of course sending an equal measure of good luck vibes back in your direction! Will be lovely to meet you – I’ll start working on my curtsey now 🙂 x
Get out of my head when I am running/crawling please! 😉 Sometimes I put on my running gear and spend ages faffing around with watch that is supposed to do fancy pants stuff but I don’t know how to use it and finding music that I actually want to listen to that I must only run for 10 minutes but OH thinks it has been half-hour because I have spent so long faffing!
Hahah – I’m pretty sure the run-up to the run takes longer than the run in my house! It’s always been so long since I last did any exercise that it takes an age to even find my trainers! Thank you for reading x
I love this. Really made me giggle. I’m going to stick to the wine drinking. If I alternate arms I might get rid of my bingo wings 😉 Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics
I like your thinking, Claire! Thank you for having me – I’m new to this, but have so enjoyed finding so many great posts in one place. I may never leave the house again. x
I love this, I am always baffled that everyone I know seems to go running. Cannot think of anything worse. I live near a park but walk up quite a steep hill to get there and I get so out of breath pushing the pram up it. When I walk past someone I try and hold my breath so they can’t hear how unfit I am!!! As if my sweating, red face didn’t give it away. Well done you for the run, much better than I’d have managed!! #FridayFrolics
Hehe – so many of us holding our breath, which can’t be a good thing! I haven’t been out again since. I think the experience may have scarred me for life. Thank you for reading 🙂
I have only just really had the time to stop and read through your blog. I see your posts on Facebook and because of one thing or another never actually sat down to read anything but the titles always intrigued me! The ones I have read have made me smile, question my own judgements and are easily identifiable for anyone and everyone. Well done Katie. By the way…this post is me, I used to run 6 miles a day and do 10 mile runs for fun….then my body gave up (knees, ankles, back etc.) and I had to stop through injury after injury for 3 years! It was my only way of having that short amount of time on my own, vent the days frustrations and get some fresh air in my lungs, I LOVED it! I started again recently now I feel (fingers crossed) fully fixed and this post is me to a tee! It made me laugh and smile reading through it and so glad to hear I am not the only one! Not quite at the 6 miles a day but getting there. Thanks Katie for making me and I am sure lots of others, smile.
Ah what a lovely comment, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to reply! I’m so glad it’s not just me whose brain works like this 🙂 I do t think I’ve been out for a run since I wrote this – it clearly had a lasting effect on me!!
And this is why I don’t go for runs. My head is like that at the best of times
Oh Vicki I know the feeling! I think the running exacerbates the madness!! 🙂