1. a female who, keen to fit into a particular dress by summer, embarks on a run for the first time since producing children
OK – let’s do this. If everyone on Facebook can run, so can I. I totally look like a runner in this gear, anyway. I think I feel more fit already just wearing it. I might even start going for a run every night now. Or maybe I’ll start getting up an hour earlier and fit it in then, before breakfast. If I just walk fast up to the park to start with and sort of stretch as I go that should do it. Then I’ll just do a few laps. Maybe I should have had a protein shake before I left. What’s even in a protein shake? Chicken, maybe. Should have at least had a banana. Instead of those Party Rings. Maybe bananas are afterwards? Ooh – Britney. Haven’t heard this in a while. Gimme gimme mooore gimme mooore gimme gimme mooore. Oh crap – it’s the lady from a few doors up. How embarassing. Yes, hi, I’m just casually going for a run. I’m a runner. That was a weird wave, why did I just wave like the Queen? She probably thinks I’m a right weirdo now. I wonder what I look like – running – from behind. I need to record myself from the back. Or do it in the mirror. She’s probably thinking ‘oooh – she looks like a runner. I should probably start running, too, instead of faffing around with this hanging basket’. Why is there so much chewing gum on the pavement? There’s actually loads, once you notice it. Right that’s probably enough walking. I’ll run now. Relax shoulders. Is this too bouncy? I feel like I’m too bouncy. Everyone’s probably wondering why I’m so bouncy. Maybe I should jog on the spot until I can cross this road, like proper runners do. No, that’s weird – I’ll just stop and look at my phone for a bit. Should have planned my route. I’ll go that way – fewer people. My ears hurt. Gimme gimme mooore gimme mooore gimme gimme mooore. Oh no – a proper runner. She’s probably thinking I’m doing it all wrong. Look cool. Definitely too skinny. I bet she eats kale all day anyway. Did I get the mince out of the freezer? Probably have to be kievs. Pretty sure runners don’t eat kievs. I guess it’s chicken though – protein. Same as a protein shake. I’ll just not have so many chips. My sides hurt. I can’t stop because that man saw me run past back by the loos and he’ll think I’m pathetic. I think I’m going too fast. I’ll do more of a jog. So sad, that thing in the news, about the – oh! that’s the kind of dog I want! Cuuuute. Mind you, lots of hair. I’ll get one when the kids are both at school and I’m running my business from home and going out for a jog at 5am every morning. How long have I done now? 4 minutes?! Maybe because I was running so fast though, I’ve actually gone quite far. Maybe I’ll sign up for a 5k run when I get home as an incentive. Maybe next year I could do a marathon. Or maybe I’m just a natural sprinter, rather than long-distance. Doncha know that you’re toxic. Bit over Britney now. Why have I only got two songs? Oh, that’s the same man from by the loos – is he following me? It’s OK, he’s old – I could totally take him out. I’ll do that thing with the thumbs in the eye sockets. Seriously, why do my arms hurt? I bet I trip over just as I jog past. Don’t fall over. Don’t fall over. Am I breathing too loud? Now he’s probably looking at my wobbly bum. Oh good grief – I’ve got to run past the yobs. I’ll turn Britney up. They’re probably thinking, is she listening to Britney? I’ll turn her down. Did she just laugh at me? Whatever, kiddo. I used to be all young and lithe, too. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. I can’t stop now because I’ll look like an idiot. How the hell does everyone on Facebook do this? I just need to get past these trees and then I can hide. I hope nobody jumps out of the bushes. It’s actually quite dangerous, really. Maybe I should carry a rape alarm. Gimme gimme mooore gimme mooore gimme gimme mooore. What an ugly cat. Is it scabies or rabies? Phone check: 9 minutes! OK, but the first 4 minutes were basically sprinting. Too much stuff to carry – I think that’s what’s slowing me down. Maybe I should get a bumbag. Do Nike do cool bumbags? Fromage frais, toilet roll, bleach. Fromage frais, toilet roll, bleach. Mustn’t forget. 10 minutes – wohoo! OK, I can stop now. 10 minutes is a nice round number, and if I carry on I’ll have to do a whole other lap, so I may as well walk home as my cool-down. I can’t breathe. Oh my life, I’m so unfit. Scabies! Running always makes my teeth hurt, what’s that about? Gimme gimme mooore. Oh look – she’s just off for a jog, too. And she’s fatter than me. Is it weird to smile at other joggers? Maybe I need a Fitbit to monitor my heart rate. Is that even what they’re for? And these trainers are really hard to run in. Maybe I’ll get some new ones for proper runners. Although I might want to try out something else, like Zumba. My knees hurt. I think running is meant to be bad for your knees. Maybe I’ll try swimming. Quite like swimming. Can’t breathe. If only you could swim with earphones in. They should invent earphones for swimmers. Hello again lady, yes, I’ve been for a run. She’s probably thinking ‘that wasn’t a very long run’. I’ll go swimming next time – I could get a new costume. And maybe invent the waterproof earphones and take them on Dragons’ Den. 10 minutes is a lot though. Almost home – I should probably do some stretches in the front room. And have a nice bath, for my muscles. And drink some wine. For antioxidants. Yes, wine. In the bath. And stretches.